At 2:45am it was clear that my lovely logical calm mind that stays out in daylight was easily over taken by the dark and gloomy subconscious which only wanted to vegetate on why he wouldn’t pick me and how he must like her so much more than me. I pondered how ‘she is so much cooler’ and all this nonsense. It cycled around how badly I want to know if they’re dating and why I really don’t want to know at the same time. It was SO terrible. I was tossing and turning and it felt like half fitful sleep- half a waking nightmare. This is the stuff no one talks about the next day… we all get up and we mention that we ‘didn’t sleep well’ but we don’t mention that we did battle with an enemy that is within us. We don’t mention that in those mind racing moments, we feel powerless to stop the fixation on negative thoughts. This is the hard stuff we keep in journals and on paper.
Finally, I got up and used the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet in the eerie glow of the nightlight- I realized that this is a heart battle and I needed Jesus. So, when I went back to bed- I pulled out my phone and opened my bible app and put the read-aloud feature on and started at Psalm 62. And even with the soothing voice, I found my mind wrestling, distracted, but then just a few words in- it worked. I felt myself calming down. Soaking in the promises of my Holy Father. ‘Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
my hope comes from him.’ The words soaking into me. I drifted off listening to the scriptures of Truth and half woke to turn it off at Psalm 71… no idea how long that was- but the rest of the night was okay.
"Shall a man climb the last flight of the stair who has never set foot on the lowest step? Truth is one, and he who does the truth in the small thing is of the truth; he who will do it only in a great thing, who postpones the small thing near him to the great thing farther from him, is not of the truth."
"You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again."
"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
I am large, I contain multitudes."